a long long story

I am finding it hard to have time to post both on facebook and here. By the time I tell my latest Alkai story there I have been on the computer too long and need to get back to my day. Besides I don't want to type it out twice, and I tell a more condensed version on there for it to just be it...
I'll get it figured out.
This week has been a challenge! I feel myself much more grounded and centered and at peace, and what does God send? CHAOS! Why? I don't get it. I could use some validation, not "let me prove you have TONS more work to do. See, I can piss you off!": I am not liking it, not one bit.

Yesterday Alkai Kenai and I were trying to get to our WIC appointment. I was running late because I believe there is no other option anymore. I will be late no matter what I do. Anyways, I think Alannis Morisett should have talked to a mom before she wrote that little song of hers. There is some good material here, like why is it the time for all children to poop RIGHT before you are trying to get out the door 15 minutes later than you had hoped to be? Or spill something all over their clothes, or fall down, or for them to take off their shoes and coat (assuming you have found their shoes and coat...) or maybe they decide to take off all their clothes...I think most of us have been there. Anyways, I FINALLY get out the door, and Alkai will not come to the car to get in his seat because "the ants are hungry" so he takes half his bagel and drops it onto the ground to feed the starving ants in our front yard. Great, that is what I needed, encouragement for all our ant populations of the neighborhood to take up shop in my front yard. "Ok Alkai I just want you to take a look at how small the ants are, next time you could simply give them a crumb and they will be thrilled. Now let's please get into the car" Off we go to our appointment, and I dream of being able to go to Starbucks to spend way too much on a coffee, but, alas, I can not. Not only because I have NO time (ever) but I do not have too much money for anything at the moment. I don't even have a little bit of money for that matter. As we are driving I am thinking in my head "hello nice lady at the WIC office, I know we are late for the 100th time, but could you please not make us reschedule...I promise I will start getting ready 3 hours before the next appointment." We get to our appointment, and get out of the car, I manage to NOT lose my keys in the 5 minutes it takes to get us all out (may not sound like an accomplishment, but in actuality it is) Alkai actually co-operates and we get in with out being the 15 minutes late that all places do not approve of. YAY :) Biggest challenge of being here is it is a big open room for all appointments for the public health department, so Alkai just runs around crazy pulling pamphlets and brochures off the tables and walls. Luckily they got us in fast, so that was really nice. And I had my handy dandy sit n stand stroller that just makes life SO much easier! The infant car seat fits on it, and I can threaten Alkai if he doesn't listen he will have to get on. Some of the people I have seen for my WIC appointments are really really nice, and some of them don't seem to listen or maybe they just really don't get my humor, which I have been told is understandable. It is frustrating for me because I get a little defensive about my children and our situations. I work VERY hard to figure stuff out for them, and I constantly try to make the best decisions I can, sometimes I fail miserably, but the last thing i need is for someone else to make me second guess myself when I know my body, my family history and my children. I will never understand why this society does not trust a mother's instincts! Honestly, if something feels wrong LISTEN TO THAT! It is built into us and we ignore it, what a silly decision. Anyways, today we are talking about how things are going, and it comes up that Kenai is not breast feeding, but not getting any formula at all. I am having to pump all day around the clock and she wants to know how often. I say between 4-6 hours, every so often there is a 7 hour stretch but it is very painful and I don't like doing it. And she says, oh if he is going 6 hours between feedings, like at night or something that I should be pumping in between that time, like maybe at the 3 hour mark. So I gently try and let her know that I am basically doing the best I can while trying to maintain some sanity. Then she realizes, oh of course. "It is easy for me to sit here and tell you to pump every 3-4 hours, but I am not the one with 2 children at home!" thank you for getting it. She then tells me about some wonderful resources like a mom's group for women who have struggled with breast feeding for various reasons, and we talk a little more. As we are leaving her office she tells me she has to write everything down about what she is going to give me handouts for or she will forget as soon as she leaves her office, and I jokingly say "all I have to do is change the subject lately, and I forget what was said" so then she stops in her tracks and starts to explain to me all the stuff we just talked about. No I was, well; I was exaggerating....oh never mind. We get done, we get our handouts, our checks and away we go. One of Alkai's favorite things about going to the WIC appointments are these little statue turtles hatching outside of the building. It is the easiest way to get him to leave there. He never seems to like a change no matter what it is. We get outside and Alkai immediately goes and sits on the turtles, he has never done that "look at me mommy!" Uh, ok Alkai. Into the car, and away we go to the DSHS office. Aye yeye yeye too much. Not much happened thankfully while we were there, except there was this poor man crying in his chair. I understand, I feel ashamed too. But Alkai wanted to help and he kept trying to talk to him, and give him drawings etc. He is so social, I love that about him, but I need to figure out a way for him to understand personal space and timing! Oh it is finally time to go home, I can not wait! We get home and Alkai goes right over to the bagel he left which is now so covered in ants it looks black, and what do you think he does? Yes, he PICKS IT UP! AHHHHH! "mama look, I have ants on me" "oh my goodness Alkai put that down!" "Oh! ok mommy. He sets the bagel down and begins to wipe off the ants onto his pants. Oh good grief, I need a nap. So I put him down for a rest after we get all changed and eat. After his "rest time" which I thought he fell asleep for because he was being very quiet, but I was wrong.....he had pulled out a seam from his over sized pillow and pulled almost all the stuffing out of it and it was all over his room. I go in there, and he says "Look mama, I made a mess!" with so much enthusiasm you would think he just got a wonderful new toy. "yes you did"
My days are so silly lately I swear! At least I can laugh at them....most of the time.

busy times

I feel like there are so many things lately to write about, and I am not finding it easy to pick which ones. My original idea was to focus mostly on the kids, so I have a journal type record of their lives, but then I wanted to make it more about our life in general, and that makes it a bit more difficult. I could just include the days events, but then it will be jumbley and willy nilly. Maybe I don't care.
Today I needed to take the day off so to speak. We stayed in almost all day and I was very lazy, didn't do much at all. This morning while I was pumping, Alkai was in the living room watching a Dora the Explorer (one of his favorite shows at the moment) he is usually so enraptured by this show that he is unlikely to get into anything so I generally feel pretty safe to leave him in a room unattended for a short period of time under these circumstances. I don't know if Dora has lost her magic, or if Alkai was feeling a little neglected or what, but he went and got a bottle of lotion, removed the lid, and then was sucking on the bottle, kind of like drinking the lotion out of it. When I walked into the room I asked him what he was doing, and he says "I'm eating soap mama!" in that enthusiastic voice he always uses when he is doing something he shouldn't be. "Of course you are" I say and take the lotion away from him. Sometimes I wonder if I should just say nothing. I am noticing he seems to have more intention behind this behavior lately, almost like he wants to get under my skin because I am falling short on his idea of my motherly duties. But then there are the times when it is just purely who he is. It is always an adventure to get him up from a nap or in the morning. His room is usually turned upside down, or at least his mattress is. He used to pull every book of his book shelf, and then the shelves too until I took all the books out of his room except a select few. He tends to empty his dresser drawers or his closet regularly. I don't even feel motivated to clean his room most of the time. What is the point, I mean honestly I could spend hours organizing, and then by the end of the day it is back to the way it was or worse. He is getting to the point where I can have him help me clean, if I want to have a huge head ache and run all my patience out from arguing with him.... I will have to do that, or he wont learn, but with him it has always been at a little slower of a pace than most kids in terms of being able to handle the business of growing up. Don't get me wrong, he is smart, he is just maturing a little more slowly. Sometimes I feel bad, like maybe I give the wrong impression about Alkai. He is just about the sweetest boy I have ever known. He is kind, generous, loving, polite, sensitive and bright. He is also determined, stubborn, inquisitive, curious, defiant, independent, and argumentative. Most of these things will serve him well when he grows up (maybe not the arguing and stubborn streak...) But it is a challenge to raise such a spirited child. Sometimes I really do lose my patience with him. I feel like I am doing the best I can, but I also know I could do better. I snapped at him today, because I am tired and it feels like it's just so easy to tick me off lately. I think (I hope) it is from lack of sleep and time to adjust to Kenai being here. We have had so much going on the last month, I am out of whatever it is that makes it easier for me to get through the day smiling. I do make an effort to keep communication open with him, I tell him I am sorry and why I got mad and let him know how it is my fault too. I just hope I am not doing permanent damage...I know everyone gets mad at their kids, but I think it is impossible to be a mom and not feel guilty about it! I need a vacation I swear. Maybe soon. I really think things are turning around for us, I don't know why I think so, but I can just sense a change. Let's hope that is true, I am not sure how much more of this we can stand....
On a happier note, after Robbie got home from work we went to a little park in Snohomish where they have recently put in some water fountain kid toys. It was a lot of fun, and Alkai got totally soaked. He really liked it, but we didn't get to stay long. It was hard for him to just stay at the water part, there were toys there too, but when he would go play with the toys he would get all this saw dust stuck to him from being all wet, that wasn't the best design. Kenai was a little fussy, both boys got a vaccine the other day and boy he has been cranky! I will have to write a whole other entry about the vaccines and Kenai's 2 month wellness check. See just too much going on! I think writing about it will help though. I really don't have a lot of outlets, so this has been good so far. Anyways, after the park we went to Wendy's for dinner. I know it is totally unhealthy and my goal is to cut out fast food completely but for now it is a cheap way to feed us quick. We can generally get us all something for $10, and that isn't too bad. Plus at Wendy's they have a baked potato and chili I mix together and it is good, and way healthier than some of the other choices. Of course I ate that and then realized I am not supposed to be having beans....I hope that doesn't upset Kenai's tummy. Riddle me this, why is it when you have a baby there is SO much to remember and learn, and yet you lose your mind, your ability to think, make connections, and your memory??!! That part of the design I am struggling with. I see the perfection in the fact that these poor babies let us stumble through this whole business of parenting, and they forgive us no matter what. Plus later they don't even remember the little screw ups anyways :) what a relief!

bankruptcy.....

It has been a LONG process of me hoping, praying, believing, trying, waiting, and then being just plain disappointed at nothing happening or showing up for us. We honestly were starting to think we just have the worst luck ever.... Last week we were served with papers because we are being sued for non-payment, and we have no money to fix this. We are backed into a corner. The only choice I fear is bankruptcy. Because of the urgency of the matter, I set up an appointment yesterday to meet with an attorney's office. I sat there in this very official looking office, with my "grown up" clothes on trying to look some kind of professional, when in reality I am committing one of the least professional acts one can commit. I remember sitting there thinking about our situation, and how hard we have tried, and I almost started crying (stupid hormones!) but I took a deep breath and regained my composure. I remember having a hard time sitting up straight, almost like I was too ashamed. I felt very small. We have done everything we can do, and I am at peace with that. I always try to be a person of honor so this was such a hard thing for me to accept, and the truth is, now I am OK with it. What else can I be, there is no room for extra stress in my life at the moment. Plus, what good does regret or upset get us? A headache, high blood pressure, and maybe sleepless nights as far as I can see. So I hand it over to God, if there is another option, show me the way. Until that time, this is what I have to do.
I was however shocked at how much this is going to cost, and we have to pay it completely before our case can be filed. That means, at the rate we are able to pay it (hopefully) we will pay it off in ten months :( I guess that gives god some time to give me another choice....

Our anniversary part 2

I honestly do not normally have so much to write about I swear. I accepted an invitation to follow someone's blog once, and they would write at least twice every day and I found it to be soooo annoying, I hope I am not that person....
This is a very busy time of year, or maybe just a very busy time. With my family visiting, Alkai being...well Alkai, and Kenai growing so fast, our anniversary, a lot of firsts, trying to catch up from 3 years of not writing.....I just feel like I have a TON to talk about. Maybe I should keep a paper journal too, so I can get all this stuff out without being blogger mcblogs a lot!
I realized I wrote about Robbie and my anniversary and I didn't even talk about what we did, all I did was talk about relationships. Typical me. So on our actual anniversary, I took my nephew, Alkai and Kenai to the zoo. It was Kenai's very first trip to the zoo, and Robbie had to work. This was sad to me :( but we had fun and almost saw the entire park. The end of the trip went south when Kenai started having one of his crying spells that lasted around the neighborhood of 45 minutes to an hour. I couldn't get in the car with him screaming, so we had to wait until he was a little better before we could leave. Boy there is nothing like a screaming baby, you want so much to help and after a while it gets so hard to stay calm. I hate that he ever has so much trouble that he has to scream, let alone the kind that wont go away. It almost always makes me want to break down right along with him, but a lot of good that would do! Then there was the lovely Seattle traffic to contend with. It is moments like those when I wonder why I live here with all this traffic, and then we get to the bridge and I look around and I rememeber. It is beautiful, it is home. Anyways, all this made us late to pick Robbie up from work. By the end of the day we were all so fussy and tired we didn't end up keeping our plans to go to Snoqualmie falls. We did go for a walk together, and we bought a bottle of wine we still haven't opened so that is something. The next day, we did go to Snoqualmie falls and we got to take our picture like usual. It is a special place for us because it was one of the first places we went together as a couple, and we had the hike from hell....another time perhaps. And we stayed at the Salish Lodge for our wedding night and our one year anniversary. We have been there for every anniversary and our wedding night, so it has become tradition. It was really nice to be able to do this, even though we were with my mom nephew Alkai and Kenai, so it wasn't romantic, we only stayed for a little bit, and everyone was tired. I am just glad we got there. I will be sad if we ever don't make it out to the falls, but if we ever move away from here it will be hard to keep with that tradition. Especially since the Salish Lodge is like $600 a night! That is too much! Someday I want to be able to stay there without even blinking an eye at the bill, along with all our spa services and meals in the restaurant. Someday.

Our 3 year anniversary

Our three year anniversary was a few days ago (the 14 of July) and I almost didn't even think to write anything about it. Kind of sad, we have only been married three years and our relationship has always been on the back burner. I guess that is what happens when you start the whole thing out pregnant! If I had it to do over, I would have wanted things to go slightly different, but in the end we have the stuff many people want out of life and I couldn't even imagine my life without the people I have in it especially my children. So even though it all went on the fast track, it turned out pretty nice. I wish my husband and I had some time to spend on us, and even more so it would be nice if we ever had extra money....the truth is, for christmas birthdays and anniversaries we can't do gifts. We have been able to sometimes, but usually not. It would help us out if we were able to do nice things for eachother....and I do know money is not required for this, but when you are very busy it sure is nice to have money to spend on a gift instead of trying to find the time and energy to be creative! Plus, honestly the motivation is just not there. I think we both appreciate eachother, but the romance is gone and where does that leave you? Surviving and co-existing. Maybe when the kids are a little older things will get better, I just hope that by then it isn't too late. A relationship takes effort (it shouldn't be work) and if you don't put in the time, it will fade. What a depressing entry on a subject that should be happy! Boy I might need some St. John's Wort or something! Maybe some B12?? I bet it is sleep. Hmmm, I feel like I should say something nice or more upbeat. I think we have just hit a hard patch, it happened when Alkai was brand new too and we made it through that just fine. I am very hopeful for the future and I have to believe the worst is behind us.

Kenai's two months old!

I can't believe Kenai (Key-Nye) is already two months old! It's funny though because it really feels like it was so long ago that I was holding him for the first time at the birthing center. He is turning into such a sweet and precious little boy, I wish I could record all his little noises and save them. I would be forever happy to sit and listen to him and his baby sounds. I have so enjoyed the experience of having another child. It is amazing how each one gives you a totally new perspective on the world. I have learned so much about myself and life in general in just two short months, I can't even imagine where this is taking me! I love his little smiles, and the way he laughs in his sleep, that is the cutest thing I have ever seen! It just about breaks my heart when he cries in his sleep, it's like the sadest whimper I have ever heard and it seriously pulls at my heart strings. He still sleeps a lot, and I wish he would play with me! I want to get to know his personality, but he is growing so fast that he has to sleep a lot! He is already over 13 pounds, and he fits into some of his 6 month clothes! It is crazy to me since Alkai was so little, it has been very different. I am so happy with my little guys, I can't wait to see what life brings. These boys have me wrapped around their little fingers I swear. Oh well, life is short and flies by. As long as they always know they are loved ,wanted and worth while I have done my job.

more on the movie trip

Oops I forgot I wanted to also mention how, here I am 8 weeks post partum, taking my little (but not littlest) boy who is growing up too fast to his first movie and it's about how this kid is all grown up and saying good bye as he's off to college! Oh my goodness I was fighting back tears almost the whole darn movie and I just felt like "how ridiculous am I? Get a grip woman! It's a cartoon for pete's sake." Oh I was embarassed. I don't like being so emotional, but for my kids I just can't help it. I love everything about being a mom, and I know some day they are going to be grown, and I just can't help but feel so much about the whole process of life. It is a hard balance to not lose yourself in this job. I was thinking the other day about how I honestly don't know who I am without my boys. I know that is sad, so I am working on coming up with more of an identity for just me. I have been taking more time for me, and it feels really good. I have to make this a priority because I can't be a good mom if I have no self. There are more reasons, but this is an important one. I don't want to have a total melt down when the kids are all grown up. It isn't their job to give my life purpose, and it certainly is not fair for me to lean on them in that way. They should feel great about their accomplishments in life, not worrying about how I am doing. Wow I sort of went off there, maybe I needed a little more convincing on the subject? Probably.

Alkai goes to the movies

We took Alkai to go see TOY STORY 3 today. He had never been to a theater, and to be honest I was so nervous about taking him. He is such a spirited little guy, and is easily scared on top of that. I knew the dark and the loud would be an issue, but my nephew was in town, a movie was out that I knew he would be interested in, and it seemed like it was time to give it a shot. I spent a litte time before hand explaining it would be dark and loud, but not scary and that he would have a good time. He kept telling me he didn't like it, but we just told him it was Toy Story and he would have fun. We get to the theater, get our popcorn, and drinks and head off to the dark room....he started to get upset immediately as the previews had already begun (we couldn't possibly show up on time, let's not be silly!) Turns out this was ok, because he didn't like the previews, there was nothing famliar and it was very loud, so it was good that we missed a bunch of them. We sat close to the back just in case, and they even had booster seats. He kept saying he didn't like it, and he wasn't understanding the whole "we have to be quiet" thing. Once the movie started I could see in his eyes that he was fighting with the urge to tell me one more time that he didn't like it, and the fact that he actually did like it. That would be Alkai for you, if it's not his idea, chances are he will fight you even if he really likes it. Goofy kid. He actually started watching the movie, what a relief! I was so worried we just wasted a ton of money for nothing.
A little into it, he was getting squirmy and our soda had run out, so my husband was nice enough to take him out and get a refill for us. It was good for him to have a break, and he came back ready to watch some more. But then we noticed he had soaked through his diaper....so thankfully my husband was a good sport and took him out again, even though I think it was my turn. To keep him happy through out the whole movie we gave him 2 juice boxes (you have to understand it is really rare this kid even gets one juice box, because he get so hyper it is crazy) and then some ice cream. By the end of the movie he is kind of going a little nuts, but he stayed in his seat and was only mildly disruptive. Not too shabby! Well, the time comes to leave. I take him with me to the bathroom, where he (of course) climbs all over the gross bathroom floors crawling under doors and stalls and just laying there. "Oh Alkai" I say he says "what?" like he really doesn't know. I think his goal in life sometimes is to gross me out. So then he notices the toilet is leaking some water on the floor, so he announces at the top of his lungs to the entire slilent bathroom, "MAMA, YOU POOPED! YOU POOPED ALL OVER THE FLOOR!" oh good grief, I am sure glad I don't get embarassed that easily. We leave the bathroom, while I am trying to explain to the room in general that what he was really seeing was the water on the floor, like it really matters. We get outside and he goes over to a cigarette ash tray and puts his whole face into it. There are now ashes on his forehead and nose. Oh gross. "ALKAI!" I yell,he says "WHAT!?" "just get in the stroller". He then throws a fit, I know it isn't really his fault, it is nap time, and he has had enough sugar to make a horse go crazy. But I swear that kid sometimes.

And so it begins

I am starting this blog because I always want to keep a journal and never keep up with it. I was hoping that some how this would be different. I may be just kidding myself, but you never know! I have such funny stories all the time from my 3 year old Alkai, and I feel like if I don't keep track of them I am going to forget. I have already missed out on keeping track of 3 years of this stuff! Gosh when I put it that way I feel the guilt flood my chest :( Well all that matters is what I do with the here and now, I can not change the past. I will attempt to keep a journal, and hopefully I succeed, so there we go.