Emotions

Expressing emotions has been on my mind a lot lately. Socially it seems only ok to be happy. But not too happy. Just enough happy that you smile at appropriate times and maybe even laugh here and there. Just, you know, don't laugh really loud in public. It's ok to talk about what you are grateful for, but not in a "braggy" sort of way, so watch out there. Be humble, but not naive. Stay within the socially acceptable boundaries of expression and you will fit right in on "fake-book". I realized people call it that for these reasons. You only show the best things and most don't show the other stuff. I can't actually be like that. I have to be honest. Not the way some people mean that, I can keep my mouth shut and be supportive but when something is going on in my life, I want to be real about it. However the response is interesting. Most people want to be supportive but the support comes in a "you shouldn't feel that way"  kind of way. I'm not sure many of us learned how to support someone in their sadness, anger, or grief without trying to "fix" it. (Sorry for all the quotations lol) I really REALLY enjoyed the movie Inside-Out. It touches the subject of how you can't have joy without sadness and you just need to be there. That it's OK to be sad! That's the big one. It's ok to feel. I think we bottle up emotions and don't express them and end up very unhappy. But if we are allowed to feel the feelings then we move through them and come out happy eventually. No one can be happy all the time. That's not what life is. We are meant to experience ups and downs and everything in between, so why not decide it's ok to express these things too? How many times have you heard or said "don't cry" in a nice way. It's meant to be nice, but it actually really isn't. I think it would be nicer to say "it's ok, go ahead and cry". Acknowledging feelings and that they are ok.... What a different world that would be. I hope I can teach our children to feel in a healthy way. Probably not easy to teach a subject I don't fully understand but I'll try. I think anger is the trickiest one. Well it's a work in progress.

Random midnight ramblings

 I have tried everything I have come across, I've prayed, I've asked for help, and support, I've accepted help offered even if it was hard, I've surrendered, I've felt powerless, I've made plans, I've  watched them crumble, I've read books, I've meditated, I've gone to church, I've felt powerful, I've had hope, I've had dreams, I've had sadness, I've felt elation, I've been present, I've been lost in dreams visualizing the perfect life, I've cried, I've laughed, I've intentionally focused on the positive, I've felt like I couldn't feel any positives at all,  I've felt the peace and presence of god, and I've felt his absence. I've felt loved, and I've felt abandoned. I've tried, I've failed, I've succeeded and I've fallen just shy of my goals. I've felt like giving up and then I end up picking myself up off the floor. I've dusted off my knees and tried again anyways. I've felt pain. Lots and lots of pain. I've felt like I couldn't stand it, but had to anyways. I've been mad. Mad at myself, mad at god, mad at my kids, the government, my fellow citizens in this world. I've felt hatred. I've felt hatred for my health towards my body towards the unfairness of life. I've felt tears of joy fall down my cheeks. I've been humbled. I've seen years pass in the blink of an eye and wondered where they went. I've disappointed myself and I've been so proud of my accomplishments, but didn't know who to tell. I've loved more deeply than I even knew I could. I've feared for the safety of others and felt genuine care and concern for strangers. I've had faith and I've had no faith. I've been lied to and I've been given love and support from the most unlikely of places. I've had safety. I've felt terrified even when there was no reason. I've made friends. I've lost friends. Lots of them. I've believed that something was fundamentally wrong with me for a lot of my life. And I've recently realized that it's not true. I've been told I was beautiful. I've been confused about what beauty is. I've been lost. I've believed in miracles and seen miracles and I've also been let down. I've seen life born right before my eyes. I've felt unconditional love and even given it. I've moved, I've had stability, I've had times when I didn't know if I would have a home at all. I've had cars and things and toys and games and tv's. I've searched for meaning. I've searched for comfort, for cures, for answers. I've fallen on my knees begging. I've known and then been wrong and I've also been correct. I've been kind, and I've been mean. I've been short sighted and I've been able to see the big picture. I've felt worthless. And I've seen my value in the little faces of my children. I've had panic, and terror. I've been comforted. I've had goals that I accomplished and felt like I was on top of the world! And I've been stuck on a seemingly endless hamster wheel of going no where. I've tried and tried and tried again because that's all you can do. I've learned and I've forgotten. I've sang and danced and felt pure joy. And pure sadness. I've opened my heart and I've closed my heart so tight it was hard to open it back up. I've been confused about who I really am. I've defined myself by appearances, by things, by brands, by size, by social status, by physical ability, by residence, by career, by behavior, by age, race, gender.... Who am I really? Have I done enough? Loved enough? Cared enough? Am I enough? Am I enough? I've lived. The most important thing is I've lived.

I'm back!

I've been out of the blogging life for years. I wanted to keep track of the memories of my family here and well.... Life happened! I have 4 kids now. Yes 4. It's an interesting thing having 4 these days. People feel like they get to judge you. Openly. Our family is perfect :) just the right amount of crazy. We have 3 outdoor cats, a dog, an indoor cat and 3 fish too! Full house lol at least it is a house. Big backyard and the kids have a good life. I'm very grateful for them. Through the last few years a lot has changed. My health unfortunately went very down hill. I have quite a few Dx now most of them pointing to inflammation. I have spondyloathropathy which my drs started being more specific and calling it ankylosing spondylitis. It's a wide spread arthritis impacting my back amount other things. I have tarsal tunnel, GI bleeding, ulcers, migraines, IBS, chronic plantar fasciitis, SI joint disfunction, chronic knee and hip pain and bursitis.  I can't be sure I'm listing them all as it's a pretty long list. My goal is to get this under control. I'm going to be trying to use my diet mainly to calm everything down. It sucks having chronic pain but having chronic pain and trying to be the best mom you can be is a whole other ball game. I feel bad a lot about the things I can't do. I try and I know they aren't needing anything, but mom guilt! Anyways I hope to keep up on this now because I need an outlet. If you don't like what I talk about, you can simply not read it. I'm not doing this for an audience. If you do read it, I hope what I have to say is helpful. My dreams in life usual center around trying to help others. It's just in my heart to serve. As well as I can anyways.