Emotions

Expressing emotions has been on my mind a lot lately. Socially it seems only ok to be happy. But not too happy. Just enough happy that you smile at appropriate times and maybe even laugh here and there. Just, you know, don't laugh really loud in public. It's ok to talk about what you are grateful for, but not in a "braggy" sort of way, so watch out there. Be humble, but not naive. Stay within the socially acceptable boundaries of expression and you will fit right in on "fake-book". I realized people call it that for these reasons. You only show the best things and most don't show the other stuff. I can't actually be like that. I have to be honest. Not the way some people mean that, I can keep my mouth shut and be supportive but when something is going on in my life, I want to be real about it. However the response is interesting. Most people want to be supportive but the support comes in a "you shouldn't feel that way"  kind of way. I'm not sure many of us learned how to support someone in their sadness, anger, or grief without trying to "fix" it. (Sorry for all the quotations lol) I really REALLY enjoyed the movie Inside-Out. It touches the subject of how you can't have joy without sadness and you just need to be there. That it's OK to be sad! That's the big one. It's ok to feel. I think we bottle up emotions and don't express them and end up very unhappy. But if we are allowed to feel the feelings then we move through them and come out happy eventually. No one can be happy all the time. That's not what life is. We are meant to experience ups and downs and everything in between, so why not decide it's ok to express these things too? How many times have you heard or said "don't cry" in a nice way. It's meant to be nice, but it actually really isn't. I think it would be nicer to say "it's ok, go ahead and cry". Acknowledging feelings and that they are ok.... What a different world that would be. I hope I can teach our children to feel in a healthy way. Probably not easy to teach a subject I don't fully understand but I'll try. I think anger is the trickiest one. Well it's a work in progress.

Random midnight ramblings

 I have tried everything I have come across, I've prayed, I've asked for help, and support, I've accepted help offered even if it was hard, I've surrendered, I've felt powerless, I've made plans, I've  watched them crumble, I've read books, I've meditated, I've gone to church, I've felt powerful, I've had hope, I've had dreams, I've had sadness, I've felt elation, I've been present, I've been lost in dreams visualizing the perfect life, I've cried, I've laughed, I've intentionally focused on the positive, I've felt like I couldn't feel any positives at all,  I've felt the peace and presence of god, and I've felt his absence. I've felt loved, and I've felt abandoned. I've tried, I've failed, I've succeeded and I've fallen just shy of my goals. I've felt like giving up and then I end up picking myself up off the floor. I've dusted off my knees and tried again anyways. I've felt pain. Lots and lots of pain. I've felt like I couldn't stand it, but had to anyways. I've been mad. Mad at myself, mad at god, mad at my kids, the government, my fellow citizens in this world. I've felt hatred. I've felt hatred for my health towards my body towards the unfairness of life. I've felt tears of joy fall down my cheeks. I've been humbled. I've seen years pass in the blink of an eye and wondered where they went. I've disappointed myself and I've been so proud of my accomplishments, but didn't know who to tell. I've loved more deeply than I even knew I could. I've feared for the safety of others and felt genuine care and concern for strangers. I've had faith and I've had no faith. I've been lied to and I've been given love and support from the most unlikely of places. I've had safety. I've felt terrified even when there was no reason. I've made friends. I've lost friends. Lots of them. I've believed that something was fundamentally wrong with me for a lot of my life. And I've recently realized that it's not true. I've been told I was beautiful. I've been confused about what beauty is. I've been lost. I've believed in miracles and seen miracles and I've also been let down. I've seen life born right before my eyes. I've felt unconditional love and even given it. I've moved, I've had stability, I've had times when I didn't know if I would have a home at all. I've had cars and things and toys and games and tv's. I've searched for meaning. I've searched for comfort, for cures, for answers. I've fallen on my knees begging. I've known and then been wrong and I've also been correct. I've been kind, and I've been mean. I've been short sighted and I've been able to see the big picture. I've felt worthless. And I've seen my value in the little faces of my children. I've had panic, and terror. I've been comforted. I've had goals that I accomplished and felt like I was on top of the world! And I've been stuck on a seemingly endless hamster wheel of going no where. I've tried and tried and tried again because that's all you can do. I've learned and I've forgotten. I've sang and danced and felt pure joy. And pure sadness. I've opened my heart and I've closed my heart so tight it was hard to open it back up. I've been confused about who I really am. I've defined myself by appearances, by things, by brands, by size, by social status, by physical ability, by residence, by career, by behavior, by age, race, gender.... Who am I really? Have I done enough? Loved enough? Cared enough? Am I enough? Am I enough? I've lived. The most important thing is I've lived.

I'm back!

I've been out of the blogging life for years. I wanted to keep track of the memories of my family here and well.... Life happened! I have 4 kids now. Yes 4. It's an interesting thing having 4 these days. People feel like they get to judge you. Openly. Our family is perfect :) just the right amount of crazy. We have 3 outdoor cats, a dog, an indoor cat and 3 fish too! Full house lol at least it is a house. Big backyard and the kids have a good life. I'm very grateful for them. Through the last few years a lot has changed. My health unfortunately went very down hill. I have quite a few Dx now most of them pointing to inflammation. I have spondyloathropathy which my drs started being more specific and calling it ankylosing spondylitis. It's a wide spread arthritis impacting my back amount other things. I have tarsal tunnel, GI bleeding, ulcers, migraines, IBS, chronic plantar fasciitis, SI joint disfunction, chronic knee and hip pain and bursitis.  I can't be sure I'm listing them all as it's a pretty long list. My goal is to get this under control. I'm going to be trying to use my diet mainly to calm everything down. It sucks having chronic pain but having chronic pain and trying to be the best mom you can be is a whole other ball game. I feel bad a lot about the things I can't do. I try and I know they aren't needing anything, but mom guilt! Anyways I hope to keep up on this now because I need an outlet. If you don't like what I talk about, you can simply not read it. I'm not doing this for an audience. If you do read it, I hope what I have to say is helpful. My dreams in life usual center around trying to help others. It's just in my heart to serve. As well as I can anyways.

a long long story

I am finding it hard to have time to post both on facebook and here. By the time I tell my latest Alkai story there I have been on the computer too long and need to get back to my day. Besides I don't want to type it out twice, and I tell a more condensed version on there for it to just be it...
I'll get it figured out.
This week has been a challenge! I feel myself much more grounded and centered and at peace, and what does God send? CHAOS! Why? I don't get it. I could use some validation, not "let me prove you have TONS more work to do. See, I can piss you off!": I am not liking it, not one bit.

Yesterday Alkai Kenai and I were trying to get to our WIC appointment. I was running late because I believe there is no other option anymore. I will be late no matter what I do. Anyways, I think Alannis Morisett should have talked to a mom before she wrote that little song of hers. There is some good material here, like why is it the time for all children to poop RIGHT before you are trying to get out the door 15 minutes later than you had hoped to be? Or spill something all over their clothes, or fall down, or for them to take off their shoes and coat (assuming you have found their shoes and coat...) or maybe they decide to take off all their clothes...I think most of us have been there. Anyways, I FINALLY get out the door, and Alkai will not come to the car to get in his seat because "the ants are hungry" so he takes half his bagel and drops it onto the ground to feed the starving ants in our front yard. Great, that is what I needed, encouragement for all our ant populations of the neighborhood to take up shop in my front yard. "Ok Alkai I just want you to take a look at how small the ants are, next time you could simply give them a crumb and they will be thrilled. Now let's please get into the car" Off we go to our appointment, and I dream of being able to go to Starbucks to spend way too much on a coffee, but, alas, I can not. Not only because I have NO time (ever) but I do not have too much money for anything at the moment. I don't even have a little bit of money for that matter. As we are driving I am thinking in my head "hello nice lady at the WIC office, I know we are late for the 100th time, but could you please not make us reschedule...I promise I will start getting ready 3 hours before the next appointment." We get to our appointment, and get out of the car, I manage to NOT lose my keys in the 5 minutes it takes to get us all out (may not sound like an accomplishment, but in actuality it is) Alkai actually co-operates and we get in with out being the 15 minutes late that all places do not approve of. YAY :) Biggest challenge of being here is it is a big open room for all appointments for the public health department, so Alkai just runs around crazy pulling pamphlets and brochures off the tables and walls. Luckily they got us in fast, so that was really nice. And I had my handy dandy sit n stand stroller that just makes life SO much easier! The infant car seat fits on it, and I can threaten Alkai if he doesn't listen he will have to get on. Some of the people I have seen for my WIC appointments are really really nice, and some of them don't seem to listen or maybe they just really don't get my humor, which I have been told is understandable. It is frustrating for me because I get a little defensive about my children and our situations. I work VERY hard to figure stuff out for them, and I constantly try to make the best decisions I can, sometimes I fail miserably, but the last thing i need is for someone else to make me second guess myself when I know my body, my family history and my children. I will never understand why this society does not trust a mother's instincts! Honestly, if something feels wrong LISTEN TO THAT! It is built into us and we ignore it, what a silly decision. Anyways, today we are talking about how things are going, and it comes up that Kenai is not breast feeding, but not getting any formula at all. I am having to pump all day around the clock and she wants to know how often. I say between 4-6 hours, every so often there is a 7 hour stretch but it is very painful and I don't like doing it. And she says, oh if he is going 6 hours between feedings, like at night or something that I should be pumping in between that time, like maybe at the 3 hour mark. So I gently try and let her know that I am basically doing the best I can while trying to maintain some sanity. Then she realizes, oh of course. "It is easy for me to sit here and tell you to pump every 3-4 hours, but I am not the one with 2 children at home!" thank you for getting it. She then tells me about some wonderful resources like a mom's group for women who have struggled with breast feeding for various reasons, and we talk a little more. As we are leaving her office she tells me she has to write everything down about what she is going to give me handouts for or she will forget as soon as she leaves her office, and I jokingly say "all I have to do is change the subject lately, and I forget what was said" so then she stops in her tracks and starts to explain to me all the stuff we just talked about. No I was, well; I was exaggerating....oh never mind. We get done, we get our handouts, our checks and away we go. One of Alkai's favorite things about going to the WIC appointments are these little statue turtles hatching outside of the building. It is the easiest way to get him to leave there. He never seems to like a change no matter what it is. We get outside and Alkai immediately goes and sits on the turtles, he has never done that "look at me mommy!" Uh, ok Alkai. Into the car, and away we go to the DSHS office. Aye yeye yeye too much. Not much happened thankfully while we were there, except there was this poor man crying in his chair. I understand, I feel ashamed too. But Alkai wanted to help and he kept trying to talk to him, and give him drawings etc. He is so social, I love that about him, but I need to figure out a way for him to understand personal space and timing! Oh it is finally time to go home, I can not wait! We get home and Alkai goes right over to the bagel he left which is now so covered in ants it looks black, and what do you think he does? Yes, he PICKS IT UP! AHHHHH! "mama look, I have ants on me" "oh my goodness Alkai put that down!" "Oh! ok mommy. He sets the bagel down and begins to wipe off the ants onto his pants. Oh good grief, I need a nap. So I put him down for a rest after we get all changed and eat. After his "rest time" which I thought he fell asleep for because he was being very quiet, but I was wrong.....he had pulled out a seam from his over sized pillow and pulled almost all the stuffing out of it and it was all over his room. I go in there, and he says "Look mama, I made a mess!" with so much enthusiasm you would think he just got a wonderful new toy. "yes you did"
My days are so silly lately I swear! At least I can laugh at them....most of the time.

busy times

I feel like there are so many things lately to write about, and I am not finding it easy to pick which ones. My original idea was to focus mostly on the kids, so I have a journal type record of their lives, but then I wanted to make it more about our life in general, and that makes it a bit more difficult. I could just include the days events, but then it will be jumbley and willy nilly. Maybe I don't care.
Today I needed to take the day off so to speak. We stayed in almost all day and I was very lazy, didn't do much at all. This morning while I was pumping, Alkai was in the living room watching a Dora the Explorer (one of his favorite shows at the moment) he is usually so enraptured by this show that he is unlikely to get into anything so I generally feel pretty safe to leave him in a room unattended for a short period of time under these circumstances. I don't know if Dora has lost her magic, or if Alkai was feeling a little neglected or what, but he went and got a bottle of lotion, removed the lid, and then was sucking on the bottle, kind of like drinking the lotion out of it. When I walked into the room I asked him what he was doing, and he says "I'm eating soap mama!" in that enthusiastic voice he always uses when he is doing something he shouldn't be. "Of course you are" I say and take the lotion away from him. Sometimes I wonder if I should just say nothing. I am noticing he seems to have more intention behind this behavior lately, almost like he wants to get under my skin because I am falling short on his idea of my motherly duties. But then there are the times when it is just purely who he is. It is always an adventure to get him up from a nap or in the morning. His room is usually turned upside down, or at least his mattress is. He used to pull every book of his book shelf, and then the shelves too until I took all the books out of his room except a select few. He tends to empty his dresser drawers or his closet regularly. I don't even feel motivated to clean his room most of the time. What is the point, I mean honestly I could spend hours organizing, and then by the end of the day it is back to the way it was or worse. He is getting to the point where I can have him help me clean, if I want to have a huge head ache and run all my patience out from arguing with him.... I will have to do that, or he wont learn, but with him it has always been at a little slower of a pace than most kids in terms of being able to handle the business of growing up. Don't get me wrong, he is smart, he is just maturing a little more slowly. Sometimes I feel bad, like maybe I give the wrong impression about Alkai. He is just about the sweetest boy I have ever known. He is kind, generous, loving, polite, sensitive and bright. He is also determined, stubborn, inquisitive, curious, defiant, independent, and argumentative. Most of these things will serve him well when he grows up (maybe not the arguing and stubborn streak...) But it is a challenge to raise such a spirited child. Sometimes I really do lose my patience with him. I feel like I am doing the best I can, but I also know I could do better. I snapped at him today, because I am tired and it feels like it's just so easy to tick me off lately. I think (I hope) it is from lack of sleep and time to adjust to Kenai being here. We have had so much going on the last month, I am out of whatever it is that makes it easier for me to get through the day smiling. I do make an effort to keep communication open with him, I tell him I am sorry and why I got mad and let him know how it is my fault too. I just hope I am not doing permanent damage...I know everyone gets mad at their kids, but I think it is impossible to be a mom and not feel guilty about it! I need a vacation I swear. Maybe soon. I really think things are turning around for us, I don't know why I think so, but I can just sense a change. Let's hope that is true, I am not sure how much more of this we can stand....
On a happier note, after Robbie got home from work we went to a little park in Snohomish where they have recently put in some water fountain kid toys. It was a lot of fun, and Alkai got totally soaked. He really liked it, but we didn't get to stay long. It was hard for him to just stay at the water part, there were toys there too, but when he would go play with the toys he would get all this saw dust stuck to him from being all wet, that wasn't the best design. Kenai was a little fussy, both boys got a vaccine the other day and boy he has been cranky! I will have to write a whole other entry about the vaccines and Kenai's 2 month wellness check. See just too much going on! I think writing about it will help though. I really don't have a lot of outlets, so this has been good so far. Anyways, after the park we went to Wendy's for dinner. I know it is totally unhealthy and my goal is to cut out fast food completely but for now it is a cheap way to feed us quick. We can generally get us all something for $10, and that isn't too bad. Plus at Wendy's they have a baked potato and chili I mix together and it is good, and way healthier than some of the other choices. Of course I ate that and then realized I am not supposed to be having beans....I hope that doesn't upset Kenai's tummy. Riddle me this, why is it when you have a baby there is SO much to remember and learn, and yet you lose your mind, your ability to think, make connections, and your memory??!! That part of the design I am struggling with. I see the perfection in the fact that these poor babies let us stumble through this whole business of parenting, and they forgive us no matter what. Plus later they don't even remember the little screw ups anyways :) what a relief!

bankruptcy.....

It has been a LONG process of me hoping, praying, believing, trying, waiting, and then being just plain disappointed at nothing happening or showing up for us. We honestly were starting to think we just have the worst luck ever.... Last week we were served with papers because we are being sued for non-payment, and we have no money to fix this. We are backed into a corner. The only choice I fear is bankruptcy. Because of the urgency of the matter, I set up an appointment yesterday to meet with an attorney's office. I sat there in this very official looking office, with my "grown up" clothes on trying to look some kind of professional, when in reality I am committing one of the least professional acts one can commit. I remember sitting there thinking about our situation, and how hard we have tried, and I almost started crying (stupid hormones!) but I took a deep breath and regained my composure. I remember having a hard time sitting up straight, almost like I was too ashamed. I felt very small. We have done everything we can do, and I am at peace with that. I always try to be a person of honor so this was such a hard thing for me to accept, and the truth is, now I am OK with it. What else can I be, there is no room for extra stress in my life at the moment. Plus, what good does regret or upset get us? A headache, high blood pressure, and maybe sleepless nights as far as I can see. So I hand it over to God, if there is another option, show me the way. Until that time, this is what I have to do.
I was however shocked at how much this is going to cost, and we have to pay it completely before our case can be filed. That means, at the rate we are able to pay it (hopefully) we will pay it off in ten months :( I guess that gives god some time to give me another choice....

Our anniversary part 2

I honestly do not normally have so much to write about I swear. I accepted an invitation to follow someone's blog once, and they would write at least twice every day and I found it to be soooo annoying, I hope I am not that person....
This is a very busy time of year, or maybe just a very busy time. With my family visiting, Alkai being...well Alkai, and Kenai growing so fast, our anniversary, a lot of firsts, trying to catch up from 3 years of not writing.....I just feel like I have a TON to talk about. Maybe I should keep a paper journal too, so I can get all this stuff out without being blogger mcblogs a lot!
I realized I wrote about Robbie and my anniversary and I didn't even talk about what we did, all I did was talk about relationships. Typical me. So on our actual anniversary, I took my nephew, Alkai and Kenai to the zoo. It was Kenai's very first trip to the zoo, and Robbie had to work. This was sad to me :( but we had fun and almost saw the entire park. The end of the trip went south when Kenai started having one of his crying spells that lasted around the neighborhood of 45 minutes to an hour. I couldn't get in the car with him screaming, so we had to wait until he was a little better before we could leave. Boy there is nothing like a screaming baby, you want so much to help and after a while it gets so hard to stay calm. I hate that he ever has so much trouble that he has to scream, let alone the kind that wont go away. It almost always makes me want to break down right along with him, but a lot of good that would do! Then there was the lovely Seattle traffic to contend with. It is moments like those when I wonder why I live here with all this traffic, and then we get to the bridge and I look around and I rememeber. It is beautiful, it is home. Anyways, all this made us late to pick Robbie up from work. By the end of the day we were all so fussy and tired we didn't end up keeping our plans to go to Snoqualmie falls. We did go for a walk together, and we bought a bottle of wine we still haven't opened so that is something. The next day, we did go to Snoqualmie falls and we got to take our picture like usual. It is a special place for us because it was one of the first places we went together as a couple, and we had the hike from hell....another time perhaps. And we stayed at the Salish Lodge for our wedding night and our one year anniversary. We have been there for every anniversary and our wedding night, so it has become tradition. It was really nice to be able to do this, even though we were with my mom nephew Alkai and Kenai, so it wasn't romantic, we only stayed for a little bit, and everyone was tired. I am just glad we got there. I will be sad if we ever don't make it out to the falls, but if we ever move away from here it will be hard to keep with that tradition. Especially since the Salish Lodge is like $600 a night! That is too much! Someday I want to be able to stay there without even blinking an eye at the bill, along with all our spa services and meals in the restaurant. Someday.