Random midnight ramblings

 I have tried everything I have come across, I've prayed, I've asked for help, and support, I've accepted help offered even if it was hard, I've surrendered, I've felt powerless, I've made plans, I've  watched them crumble, I've read books, I've meditated, I've gone to church, I've felt powerful, I've had hope, I've had dreams, I've had sadness, I've felt elation, I've been present, I've been lost in dreams visualizing the perfect life, I've cried, I've laughed, I've intentionally focused on the positive, I've felt like I couldn't feel any positives at all,  I've felt the peace and presence of god, and I've felt his absence. I've felt loved, and I've felt abandoned. I've tried, I've failed, I've succeeded and I've fallen just shy of my goals. I've felt like giving up and then I end up picking myself up off the floor. I've dusted off my knees and tried again anyways. I've felt pain. Lots and lots of pain. I've felt like I couldn't stand it, but had to anyways. I've been mad. Mad at myself, mad at god, mad at my kids, the government, my fellow citizens in this world. I've felt hatred. I've felt hatred for my health towards my body towards the unfairness of life. I've felt tears of joy fall down my cheeks. I've been humbled. I've seen years pass in the blink of an eye and wondered where they went. I've disappointed myself and I've been so proud of my accomplishments, but didn't know who to tell. I've loved more deeply than I even knew I could. I've feared for the safety of others and felt genuine care and concern for strangers. I've had faith and I've had no faith. I've been lied to and I've been given love and support from the most unlikely of places. I've had safety. I've felt terrified even when there was no reason. I've made friends. I've lost friends. Lots of them. I've believed that something was fundamentally wrong with me for a lot of my life. And I've recently realized that it's not true. I've been told I was beautiful. I've been confused about what beauty is. I've been lost. I've believed in miracles and seen miracles and I've also been let down. I've seen life born right before my eyes. I've felt unconditional love and even given it. I've moved, I've had stability, I've had times when I didn't know if I would have a home at all. I've had cars and things and toys and games and tv's. I've searched for meaning. I've searched for comfort, for cures, for answers. I've fallen on my knees begging. I've known and then been wrong and I've also been correct. I've been kind, and I've been mean. I've been short sighted and I've been able to see the big picture. I've felt worthless. And I've seen my value in the little faces of my children. I've had panic, and terror. I've been comforted. I've had goals that I accomplished and felt like I was on top of the world! And I've been stuck on a seemingly endless hamster wheel of going no where. I've tried and tried and tried again because that's all you can do. I've learned and I've forgotten. I've sang and danced and felt pure joy. And pure sadness. I've opened my heart and I've closed my heart so tight it was hard to open it back up. I've been confused about who I really am. I've defined myself by appearances, by things, by brands, by size, by social status, by physical ability, by residence, by career, by behavior, by age, race, gender.... Who am I really? Have I done enough? Loved enough? Cared enough? Am I enough? Am I enough? I've lived. The most important thing is I've lived.